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Thread: Moonbat's Guide to Getting a Job

  1. #1
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    Moonbat's Guide to Getting a Job

    Let's face it. So what if you have ***7 computer skillz? The best that's gonna happen is that your gonna get famous for making a virus or something and going to jail. Your also gonna get a job flippin' burgers and whatnot. What you need, my good friends, is a job where your skills can come to good use. No compnay cares if you can sucessfully phish someone's passwords. Here's a guide to what many companies are looking for in the security field (based on postings on Monster.com):

    A Bachelor's Degree or equivelent in Computer Sciences

    Whether you doing entry level programming or your a head of a team of IT experts, your gonna need this, period.

    Certified Information Systems Security Professional (CISSP)

    A very well-known certifacation standard in the security industry, this proves that you know computer security. On a side note, certain companies require certain certifications based on what your working with. Microsoft will require you be a Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer/Administrator (MCSE/A). Some may require Security+ certification from CompTIA.

    Knowledge of Windows/Unix/Linus/(insert OS here)

    You need to have a solid background of working with the OS you will be asked to work with. I would s***est getting certified by a well-known certification company in the OS you will be asked to work with

    Security Clearance

    Believe it or not, many jobs require security clearance on certain levels. Read here about the whole process: [url]http://jobsearchtech.about.com/od/governmentjobs/l/aa_security_2.htm[/url]
    This isn't necessarily for government related jobs. Many private companies use security clearance to make sure their employees are trustable.

    Previous Experience

    Most high-paying jobs require previous experience. Don't be afraid to cite any experience, even if it was working at a cyber-cafe maintaining their cheap Wi-Fi.

    That's all I can think of, anyone feel free to post anything else.
    ~Moonbat

  2. #2
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    Certs!

    CCNA
    MSCE
    MSCA
    A+

  3. #3
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    Getting a job in three steps:

    *. Have a slight knowledge on the position
    2. BS your way through the interview, making yourself sound important/useful
    *. Throw in a tip on how the company could save ***** by doing (x)

    If you can throw several curve ball questions at the person interviewing you that will make them stutter instead of you, you have the job.

    Examples: Why is port (x) (y) (z) open? You can be attacked by this, that, and the other thing.

    Make recommendations or comment on technologies that they are using. Ask very specific ********* questions, because more than likely the interviewer will have no idea how to answer them! but they will remember you.

    Make yourself sound important! Make a recommendation or two that could save the company *****! Be prepared, show up looking your best, and keep your composure. Have fun in the interview, its not going to kill you, but you may find yourself with a new job!
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  4. #4
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    I'm probably getting an interview for a supermarket job soon (my first real job). Let's see if I meet your requirements:

    *. Have a slight knowledge on the position
    Yup.

    2. BS your way through the interview, making yourself sound important/useful
    I think an orangutan would be overqualified for my chosen position.

    I mean, to work the checkouts and stack shelves you need:
    • Motor control of your arms, legs and hands.
    • More than ten brain cells.

    I'm taking A-levels in physics, computer studies, ICT and maths. Most of the people working there are either career minimum-wage employees or school dropouts.

    Why I'm going to work there; I don't know.

    *. Throw in a tip on how the company could save ***** by doing (x)
    "Your lemonade tastes like shit. Add more sugar, then increase the price.".

    Still, I have the feeling they aren't going to hire me. On the application form they ask questions to ensure that you are a "team player" and that the supermarket is your number one priority; your only loyalty.

    Code:
    If a higher-ranking employee says something incorrect, do you:
    
    A) Wait until later, then discuss the matter with him.
    B) Keep your mouth shut, since what the boss says is always right.
    C) Tell him right there that you disagree with him, then if he blatantly disregards your words, inform him of his idiocy.
    In order to work there, I'll have to sell my soul and bow to the system.

    Do they really expect me to give a shit about their supermarket, ********s or other employees? Do they expect me to respect the opinion of someone just because their badge says "manager"? Expect me to be a robot that never shows any emotion?

    For minimum wage (if I'm lucky, since I'm *6), I'm really treating this whole episode as a humorous adventure. I'll show up at the interview wearing jeans and a hoodie and just be myself. Not going to hold back on anything.

    If they don't like me, I will storm out with a rant on the subject of child-exploitation then look elsewhere for work. If they hire me, I'll be the same throughout my employment (however long it lasts).
    Last edited by Ezekiel; 09-26-2007 at 03:01 PM.
    Who needs drugs when you have electrons?

  5. #5
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    Are you the new [url=http://alp.truckandbarter.com/images/bagman.jpg]Walmart Greeter[/url]?
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  6. #6
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    Oh hell no. No amount of ***** would lead me to apply for such a degrading existence.

    We don't have Walmart here in England, but some annoying [presumably] American supermarket ideas are beginning to cross the Atlantic.

    Case in point: if someone tries to greet me when entering, I simply look straight ahead. I go there to buy stuff, not to socialise!

    You know what else I hate? Charity-collectors. If I want to donate to a charity, I know exactly where to go. People are so hypocritical and unempathic when they can only be bothered to ease suffering when the opportunity is presented on a flashy television programme or a smiley person in the street.

    This leads me to my next point: what the fuck is the point of doing things "for charity"? You know what I mean; like running a marathon for charity. Here's an idea: if the people who sponsored the run actually cared about the charity in question, they could simply donate the ***** directly and save all the hassle of running such a long way!.
    Last edited by Ezekiel; 09-26-2007 at 03:12 PM.
    Who needs drugs when you have electrons?

  7. #7
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    Is it just me or do those people make you uncomfortable? I would feel better with maybe a hand shake, or a nod, but yelling "HI WELCOME TO WALMART" just doesn't make me feel welcome.

    I think to myself, "This person is telling me hi and welcoming me for the sole purpose of keeping his/her job. This person would rather walk around the store like the other employees not helping anyone with anything. Should I say hi back, just walk by ignoring the situation, or run up and give them a big hug while enjoying the confused look on their faces?"

    Wouldn't it be a blast to throw on a red vest, stand next to the greeter and compete yelling, "Save yourself shop at Target!".
    Last edited by SyntaXmasteR; 09-26-2007 at 03:16 PM.
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  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by SyntaX****** View Post
    run up and give them a big hug while enjoying the confused look on their faces?"

    Wouldn't it be a blast to throw on a red vest, stand next to the greeter and compete yelling, "Save yourself shop at Target!".
    Do this. Then they will understand what it's like to be in our position.

    They don't really make me feel uncomfortable, but slightly annoyed: yes.

    It definitely provides opportunity for hilarity, as you have demonstrated. It's funny to try to get those kind of employees to "break character" and stop with the forced happiness and gladness to meet you -- unless they're all fed MDMA every day, it's not real!
    Last edited by Ezekiel; 09-26-2007 at 03:51 PM.
    Who needs drugs when you have electrons?

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by SyntaX****** View Post
    Is it just me or do those people make you uncomfortable? I would feel better with maybe a hand shake, or a nod, but yelling "HI WELCOME TO WALMART" just doesn't make me feel welcome.

    I think to myself, "This person is telling me hi and welcoming me for the sole purpose of keeping his/her job. This person would rather walk around the store like the other employees not helping anyone with anything. Should I say hi back, just walk by ignoring the situation, or run up and give them a big hug while enjoying the confused look on their faces?"

    Wouldn't it be a blast to throw on a red vest, stand next to the greeter and compete yelling, "Save yourself shop at Target!".
    I'd like it if instead of saying "Welcome to Wal-Mart!" they should yell "HAI D00D I R WELCUMING U TO T*H WALMART!"
    "Workers of the world unite; you have nothing to lose but your chains." -Karl Marx

  10. #10
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    The novelty might wear off after a while, then you'd be frustrated by the queue of people blocking the entrance due to the "what the fuck?" reaction caused by such a greeting.
    Who needs drugs when you have electrons?

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by SyntaX****** View Post
    Is it just me or do those people make you uncomfortable? I would feel better with maybe a hand shake, or a nod, but yelling "HI WELCOME TO WALMART" just doesn't make me feel welcome.

    I think to myself, "This person is telling me hi and welcoming me for the sole purpose of keeping his/her job. This person would rather walk around the store like the other employees not helping anyone with anything. Should I say hi back, just walk by ignoring the situation, or run up and give them a big hug while enjoying the confused look on their faces?"

    Wouldn't it be a blast to throw on a red vest, stand next to the greeter and compete yelling, "Save yourself shop at Target!".
    that would be highly amusing... i mite just go to my neighborhood walmart and due that now lol

  12. #12
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    Wouldn't it be a blast to throw on a red vest, stand next to the greeter and compete yelling, "Save yourself shop at Target!".
    The ones we have in England just stand there with a neutral stare, ha. Gotta love the "English reserve" :P.
    Last edited by Ezekiel; 04-11-2009 at 03:45 PM.
    Who needs drugs when you have electrons?

  13. #13
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    Moonbats Guide to Getting a Job

    Raptor
    I actually will check on the amount of bullets later, I really do believe that supressed have more bullets per clip.
    I never told that it is quieter - it is supressed. I prefer supressed over regular mostly because of ***** and silent sound it makes instead of those noisy bangs, honestly

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